
How to Gently Guide Loved Ones to Make End-of-Life Plans: Tips for Difficult Conversations
As you start your own advance planning journey, you may find your thoughts drifting to others in your life. It’s natural to want to talk about all the deep, profound, amazing things you’re sifting through. And it’s also natural to think about the people in your life who could benefit from the same, emotionally and/or practically.
But it’s obviously not something that you just drop in someone’s lap without a little thought beforehand. So here are a few tips to help you get that conversation flowing.
Set the Scene for the Conversation
Find a comfortable, relaxed environment where everyone feels at ease. Avoid starting the conversation during stressful situations or family gatherings. Consider the positions of everyone involved. Are you facing each other like at a dining table? Or are you all facing in the same direction, like driving in the car together? This alters the way we communicate, and some environments feel more confrontational than others.
Introduce the subject in a way that feels natural, not forced. You might casually mention a recent event (such as a celebrity’s passing) or a personal story as a gentle segue. It might feel odd, but this is a good part of the conversation for you to plan ahead of time. Mention an article you read or something a friend told you.
Start Small and Build Trust
Ease into it with non-threatening questions. Instead of diving right into legal documents and funerals, start by asking, “Have you ever thought about what kind of care you'd want if you were seriously ill? I want to make sure I know in case anything were to happen.”
Use examples, maybe of people or situations you know personally. “Mrs. Macintosh from around the corner was hooked up to a respirator for a week. Is that something you’d want?”
Light humor can break tension (or darker if your family is into that sort of thing). Something like, “Don’t worry, I’m not planning your funeral next week!” can diffuse awkwardness.
Don’t expect one conversation to do all the work. Make it a series of small, ongoing chats that grow in depth as everyone gets more comfortable.
Understand the Why: Focus on Peace of Mind, Not Death
Emphasize that making end-of-life plans is more about ensuring peace of mind than focusing on death. It’s about helping everyone live more freely, knowing their wishes will be respected and have been prepared. Shift the conversation so they feel it’s an empowering step toward taking control of their future, rather than something morbid or uncomfortable.
Frame it Around Love and Protection
Reassure them that making plans now ensures that their family won't have to make difficult decisions in a crisis. If you’ve made your own plans, share that. Show that it’s not just a "them" issue but something you’ve done for yourself too. Actually, this is probably the best way to broach the subject. Not only are you showing you “talk the talk and walk the walk,” but you’re opening the space to share your own personal beliefs and decisions; things they should know!
Highlight Practicalities to Reduce Emotional Load
Mention the benefits of having a plan now. Explain how having plans in place avoids confusion, family disagreements, and stress. We can’t predict the future, but we can prepare.
Suggest starting with a few small steps, like writing down basic wishes or choosing a healthcare proxy. It doesn't have to all be done at once (and really, it shouldn’t be).
When it comes to legal documents, help them understand terms like advance directives, DNRs, healthcare power of attorney, etc. and how these documents work to reflect their choices.
Normalize the Conversation: Death as a Part of Life
Acknowledge the discomfort! It’s okay to admit that these conversations are difficult and weird. Normalize talking about death as just another part of life.
Obviously, there’s a lot the Good Mourning Society has to say about this - so have a look around for more supporting resources.
Get Support: Don’t Go It Alone
Involve other family members where appropriate. If siblings or partners are part of the picture, include them so no one feels left out or blindsided later on.
Additionally, bringing in a neutral, experienced third-party can be a big help. End-of-life doulas are perfectly positioned to help individuals and families navigate these conversations and decisions. You may also find that your loved one feels more comfortable speaking to a doula than someone close.
Remember - this is about giving them what they need, and that might be different than how you would approach the situation. That’s okay!
Celebrate Their Progress
Acknowledge their courage because even agreeing to have these conversations is a big step for many people. Show appreciation for their willingness to engage. Be sure to celebrate even the smallest wins! If they make any end-of-life decisions, let them know how important that is for their peace of mind and for their family’s future.
Respect Their Boundaries
Be patient and anticipate rejection. Not everyone will be ready to have these conversations right away, if ever! And you may even encounter situations where one minute they seem fine and a day later they don’t even want to hear a word about it. Respect their need for time and space to process the idea.
If the conversation becomes too intense or emotional, it’s okay to back off. You can always revisit it later when everyone is calmer.
Trust yourself
At the end of the day, you know your people better than anyone else ever could. So with the above advice, use what works and discard what doesn’t. If you know your person appreciates the direct approach, do that. If you have to handle things with a different tack, by all means go for it.
Type-A personalities and planners will appreciate the practical approach of planning ahead. Creatives might enjoy the idea of planning their celebration of life services. You get the idea. As long as you approach the conversations with respect, openness and acceptance, you’ll be on solid ground.
Finally, don’t be surprised if your loved ones have given this a lot more thought than you realized. They might be relieved they can finally get it off their chest, and all it took was one braver person to step up and start the conversation. Death, dying, and end-of-life issues still unfortunately carry so much stigma we still don’t openly talk about them.
You - and all the other Good Mourning Society members - are changing that.