You know talking about and planning for things like aging, illness, funeral wishes, and end-of-life planning are important. But for some reason every time you've tried to bring it up, maybe with your aging parent or siblings, the conversation goes off the rails. You start with good intentions and try not to say the "wrong thing," but you feel like you never get anywhere.
Confronting mortality brings out different parts of us all, sometimes in ways that seem the opposite of how we normally behave. And when these types mix together, along with all our other relationship dynamics, things get complicated.
Not entirely. It's our lack of communication and connection
To start, culturally, we aren't very good at talking about aging, dying, death, and grief. Despite it being a fundamental part of life, they aren't topics we're comfortable with. We don't practice talking about them, or even internally sitting with our feelings long enough to come to our own conclusions.
Then, when we reach a certain stage in life we realize... oh shit. My folks are getting old. Like, genuinely OLD old. You know there are certainly things that have to be addressed, practically and emotionally. But navigating that shift in your parent/child relationship is HARD. Even for the most open, emotionally balanced families, it's an inevitable but difficult life event.
Ultimately, what happens is we grow up in a culture that trains us not to look at our mortality combining with shifting family dynamics as we all age - dynamics which may be complicated and not the most open to begin with. And then we top it all off with added existential, financial, emotional, and practical stress?!
Jeez. I WoNdEr WhY tHiS iS sO hArD when it's put that way...
Get to know yourself first
Step one is better understanding how YOU approach these topics. You will probably feel connected to a blend of these types, each will come out in different situations with different people.
Every path, every option, every possibility has been carefully mapped out. They feel most comfortable with structure, clarity, and detail. Emotions can feel messy and unproductive.
Nothing is more important than maintaining good relationships, not even difficult conversations. They are experts at creating safe spaces, but may spend a lot of time "reading" the emotions of the room.
Emotions are emotions, practicalities are practicalities, and there is a time and place for both. When a decision needs to be made, this type is ready to fly through the discomfort to get to the other side.
Expert translators, they can see every side to every argument and often spend their time trying to get different types to see eye-to-eye. They often put their own emotions and concerns to the side for the sake of others's comfort.
Anxiety for themselves, anxiety because of others... either way, this type of person desperately wants to connect and converse but gets overwhelmed by it all.
This type carries the heavy burden of it all, whether they were expected to or not. At their best, they are compassionate leaders. At their worst, they are bulldozers.
Consider what type your aging parent is
Step two
These 5 types are for YOU to figure out how THEY approach their mortality. If you have siblings, you may agree where your folks land on this spectrum, or you may have wildly different opinions. Spoiler alert - that's because all these types mix differently.
Not to mention the decades of relational history all up in there.
And you are so, so, so capable of doing difficult things
The solution is to put everything you learn to practice.
Practice talking about these topics with yourself, dig into places that make you feel uneasy. Read more, listen more. Learn. Find people who are more comfortable than you and talk to them. Go to a local Death Cafe. Listen to others talk about it. Put yourself in situations where you will be with strong emotions. Be open with your discomfort but don't use it as an excuse. Acknowledge your ignorance by sharing that you want to learn. Practice. It doesn't come naturally, but the more you do it, the easier - and more productive - it gets.
The best time to do this is NOT when you're confronting a terminal illness or recent death!
My critical goal is to help people like me - Millennials - successfully navigate the next 20-30 years as our parents age and die. I want to help you as you care for them. AND I want to help you recognize when it's time to stop trying, knowing you did everything you could. I've been there. I understand the pressure that comes from all sides when you're expected to pick up the pieces. You need to protect yourself first.
But my primary goal of The Good Mourning Society is to improve and change the way our culture approaches aging, dying, death and grief altogether. And I can't achieve either of those goals with a fancy, schmancy product that promises the world... or a course... or "certification." You need to do the work, I will help along the way (and of course point you towards others who will help too).
See? Simple. Not easy.
So what do you do next?
It's completely up to you. Learn more about these conversation types, explore the Memento conversation cards, or check out the community growing on Patreon! (You can always drop me a message, too)
Take the communication quiz
Discover your communication style, share with siblings and friends to learn about theirs, and check out the hand-picked resources just for your type!
Explore the Memento decks
These conversation starters were designed specifically for individuals, families, and friends to get to the heart of the things that really matter.
Join the Society
Patreon is the main hub of activity for The Good Mourning Society. All content is available at the free tier, and more is being added every day. Welcome to the GMS!
